The Ol’ Mahogony

A Barman shared this with me – he received it from a Barman that had manned a long gone Brooklyn bar called McSwinney’s – he use to serve polite drinks before sunday mass (for those who rattle the beads) actually to one and all who decorated the ol’ mahogany….

Bartenders, while normally playful and snarky individuals when viewed in their natural habitats, have recently been let out from behind the bars to forage for supplies with the general public, whom they so passive aggressively hate.

Should you encounter one of these reclusive creatures, please respect the wild animals they can be and treat them as such.

Normally nocturnal creatures, due to COVID19 virus, bartenders have been forced into the daytime in search of food, alcohol, cigarettes and toilet paper. Alcohol, a main staple in their diet is no longer available at their preferred watering hole and while a bartender can live for up to 2 weeks on cigarettes alone, toilet paper is a motivating factor.

Much akin to animals in captivity, they have become reliant on the well meaning regulars to deliver food to them in their respective enclosures. Without these normal feedings, their blood sugar is running low and sarcasm is high, they are assumed to be hangry.

Bartenders seen during the quarantine should not be approached as most are likely ornery, sober and generally not in the mood for your bullshit.

You can easily identify a bartender if they have a disheveled appearance, are wearing sweatpants with no makeup and/or are noticeably disoriented by all the lights.

After years of being behind bars, subjected to the bustling parade of visitors that come to see them, older bartenders have embraced the introverted lifestyle. Therefore making them the most dangerous to encounter.

Keep in mind these older, wiser, keepers of secrets are to be assumed grumpy, sober (until determined otherwise) and most definitely hoping to avoid human interaction.

Younger, less experienced bartenders are more apt to seek attention, be advised they can be skittish, emotionally unstable and down right annoying. You may regret the interaction.

Please do not startle the bartender, nor initiate contact with this fragile, misplaced and often misunderstood creature.

If you think the bartender may be smiling, be aware this is them showing their teeth and should be seen as a sign of aggression.

Slowly back away and fuck right off. If you are lucky enough to encounter one in the wild, please remain calm, be respectful and slowly retreat to the safety of your own kind.


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